If you missed the last one…
Everything Archie #111 (May 1984) offers a new Conan for the 1980s. An epic, like all good Fantasy, begins with a thrilling prologue: The Sword and Sorcery world is full of adventure like Krull the Barbarian and Conan the Barbarian, but there is only one… Archie, The Gentleman Barbarian! This comic was written by George Gladir, who penned the Dungeons & Dragons parody “Sword & Sorcery” three years earlier. He’s back with one for S&S films. The art this time is by Stan Goldberg and Larry Lapick.
Gladir’s opening caption gives us his frame of reference. This is not going to be based on Robert E. Howard and the Lancer paperbacks, nor Roy Thomas and John Buscema. This is about the plethora of S&S films that followed Conan the Barbarian in 1982. Krull (1983) is mentioned though oddly as “Krull the Barbarian”. I had to laugh at the “Gentleman Barbarian” title because in 1989 L. Sprague de Camp would continue his Novaria series with The Honorable Barbarian. (That twigged in my brain, anyway. Obvious Gladir couldn’t have read it.)
The tale begins with Archie the Gentleman Barbarian and his lackey, Juggo, coming to the court of the king. (Archie is a gentleman because he bathes once every month, whether he needs to or not.) The monarch is played Mr. Lodge, of course. He has a beautiful daughter, Veronica. He offers her hand if Archie can solve his problem. The barbarian admits he wants more than just her hand.
Archie has come because he has heard that the king is plagued by a dragon, a chicken-stealing dragon. The king is vexed by the beast, not because he hasn’t any chickens but because he has too many damsels. None of them are in distress. He has a poster with: “Wanted: Situation of Distress For Our Damsels. References Available.” Five undistressed damsels waited by unhappily.
Our heroes set out on their quest. Fortunately, there is a map to guide them. Archie quickly finds the dragon.
Archie confronts the dragon, demanding to know why the dragon prefers chickens to damsels. The dragon admits that his cousin has a dozen damsels and their talk drives him crazy. The chickens on the other hand are delicious. Archie wastes no time. He asks Juggo for his sword.
The dragon breathes fire on Archie’s sword collection, fusing the weapons into a lump. He also accidentally cooks all the chickens in their cages. The two fighters try some and discover that dragon-cooked chicken is delicious!
Archie formulates a plan. He tells it to the dragon then returns to the king. The barbarian gives the king some dragon-cooked chicken. He admits it is good but what about the damsels? Archie has figured that out, too. They will sell the chicken in the king’s new chicken franchise. Archie walks off with his new bride.
George Gladir has blended a typical Archie story with several Fantasy tropes. Despite the “Gentleman Barbarian” title Archie could have been a knight in armor just as easily. There are at least five other Archie comics that do that. One even has a dragon in it. But let’s look at what we did get. First off, a hero with a sidekick. Archie as Arnold Schwarzenegger and Jughead as Subotai, though I have to admit I thought of Blackadder’s Baldrick as often. Veronica is frankly wasted. Betty does not show up as Valeria. Too bad.
Second, a king on a throne and an audience. In Conan the Barbarian, the king is played by Max Van Sydow. Then there is the quest, which has to have a map. And finally the dragon. The scene with the dragon is a recycle of The Reluctant Dragon, with the dragon being more likeable than the heroes sent to kill it. The KFC ending is all Archie comic.
The cover with its sad bad breath joke suggests we are in for something akin to a Marvel comic Conan. Veronica is tied up Dragonslayer style in the background. The result is much closer to a generic Archie comic set in a medieval world. I wanted more parody, more in-jokes, more references to the actual genre material. After reading “Sword & Sorcery” I am not sure why I expected this. That comic too was light on the actual AD&D too. I guess when writing an Archie comic, the writer must always take the middle road, assuming that the reader has little background knowledge, and stick to obvious cliches. For more on Conan parodies (better ones), go here.
Conclusion
I think it is funny that I keep stumbling over these 1980s Archie Fantasy tales. I read plenty of Archie as a kid but haven’t paid the canon much attention since. Why read about Archie’s dating life when you can follow Conan through Hyborian adventures? I only came across this one because I was searching for any dragon comics between 1938 and 1986. (I found many and you should expect them in the future.) Archie Comics was by no means innovating here. Plenty of funny animal comics ran through similar adventures with similar-looking dragons. The only really new thing here is the reference at the beginning to current Fantasy films. And no… we won’t be getting Archie the Destroyer. Maybe that’s a good thing.
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